Every now and then I think we all need to reassess our priorities. Work, family, play.
The common wisdom is that men tend to value work first, and find their primary identity in their work, while women view relationships, and connectedness as most important.
A commonly accepted view of is that as men reach mid-life, they tend to place more value on relationships and family. This is complemented by the view that women tend to place relatively more importance on finding a source of identity outside of their family as they reach mid-life.
For married couples, how does a wife, for example, who is becoming increasingly discontented with her role, go about making changes that will eventually bring her more meaning?
And how does she experience the lack of meaning she finds she is experiencing in her life?
Does she suddenly start to question the degree of compatibility in her relationship? Does she begin to experience some degree of depression? Depression itself, is less likely than a feeling of discontent. An awareness that what was working before simply isn’t working currently.
Some people are so tuned into their feelings that they can identify what they need immediately. Others may need to struggle to find out what it is that is bugging them. The source of the struggle is often tied to difficulty identifying one’s own feelings and needs. This can occur because one has learned to ignore uncomfortable feelings. It can occur also when one is so focused on taking care of others that one’s own feelings and needs keep getting pushed to the back burner.
And how do the changes she wishes to make affect her marriage?
The best way to go about making changes, I believe, is with assertion. Assertion consists of using “I” statements, such as “I feel…” “I need…” , “I want…”. An assertive statement itself is relatively easy to communicate. The communication, however, is much more likely to be heard and taken seriously if it is accompanied by an attitude that the sender is truely interested not just in her needs, feelings, or desires, but is also interested in the other person’s needs, feelings and wishes.
And what about the pace of change?
That depends on a lot of factors. Such as financial concerns, the level of stress already in the marriage, the flexibility of one’s partner, to name a few. Some changes need to be implemented quickly. If, for example, a marital partner has arrived at a state of depression due to self denial, then she, or he, may need to go about making changes more quickly. In general, however, change adds stress to the overall relationship, and should be approached with a sensitivity to one’s partner as well as to one’s own needs.
And, what kind of changes are we talking about? Some possible types of changes are going back to school, changing jobs, taking up a hobby, finding new social outlets, and so on. What they have in common is that they all consist of changing priorites.
